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Alligator tears are being shed by politicians and pundits alike over Larry Flynt's drip-by-drip expose of the private lives of public figures. But "flynting" is only possible because our political and media culture has for years now deliberately blurred the line between the private and the public realms.
Expecting restraint from the ratings-obsessed media, however, is foolhardy. So putting an end to the "flynting" of America depends entirely upon our political leaders refusing to answer questions about their sex lives, whether they're asked by Diane Sawyer, "Hard Copy," Matt Drudge, Salon Magazine, Larry Flynt or some cute coed on MTV.
Unless a politician has broken the law, there is only one legitimate answer to the illegitimate probing of private lives: "It's none of your business." (If you are really popular in your home district, "Go to hell!" will suffice.) Since politicians are busy people -- what with running the country, taking money from the Chinese and all their extramarital affairs -- I humbly offer a list of variations on this theme from which they can choose their answer.
To get started I called five kings of the quick comeback -- and a queen. Al Franken had already pondered "the question" and offered the following answer in his just published book on his run for the presidency, "Why Not Me": "I will not dignify with an answer any further questions concerning my past, present or future sexual behavior." He had an additional retort for this column: "This is between me, my wife, my daughter and, to a lesser extent, my son."
Harry Shearer offered the following question-stopper: "My sex life is my own business. By that I don't mean to leave the impression that it's not my pleasure, but that too is my business. By that I don't mean to imply that money changes hands necessarily. Or not, as the case may be."
Bill Maher generously gave three possible answers: "That's for me to know and Larry Flynt to find out." "Yes, Lisa Marie and I have sex. What was the question again?" "Look, I'd love to tell you, but I'm on the phone with Larry Flynt and he wants to know if I have any dirt on reporters."
Craig Kilborn, the incoming host of CBS' "Late Late Show," suggested the following: "Hey -- if you want to know about my sex life, I'll gladly show you the videotapes -- just as soon as I get them back from Denny Hastert."
Finally, Roseanne told me that you can't improve on perfection. Politicians, she said, should simply echo the president's response: "That would depend on what the definition of `is' is."
For those who prefer shorter sound bites, here are some more choices: "You should be reporting on Y-2-K instead of S-E-X, Sam."
"Go report on Social Security instead of sexual purity, Matt."
"Here's 35 cents. Call someone who cares, Katie."
"I'll answer that when the Mighty Ducks are playing hockey in hell, Dan."
"Go take the Red Line to Rockville, Chris."
"Why don't you French kiss a porcupine, Peter?"
"Bite me, Geraldo."
"I oughta wash your mouth out with soap, Jim."
"You know, there are magazines for people like you, Charlie."
"Life has been rough for you since they shut down the porn theater, hasn't it, Tom?"
"You don't need to worry, I stopped seeing your wife years ago, Ted."
"Here's $3.99. If you want to hear about sex, call one of those 900 numbers, Nina."
"Did you order a knuckle sandwich, Wolf?"
"Go take a leap in the lake, Stone."
"Go hide under the desk, Bernie."
"Does your mother know you're asking these questions, Cokie?"
"Diane, my sex life is so boring they run it on C-SPAN."
And here are a few from the annals of history and literature:
"If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business" (Abraham Lincoln).
"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true" (Dorothy Parker).
"I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth" (Chico Marx).
"The price of purity is purists" (Calvin Trillin).
"Sex has made more liars out of more Americans than golf" (to paraphrase Will Rogers).
One final suggestion for those elected officials who feel that an explanation is always better than silence: "Asking someone about their sex life is like asking someone their salary, and since you all know my salary, I figure I have to keep something private."
There. If you need any more, you're on your own.
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